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Besides school, besides work, besides my occasional poetry meetings and my friend what am I. 

I seemed to be blocked out from a lot of the world, a lot of what was happening, betrayed and left behind to rot like a piece of carrion. People who were perhaps once family now no longer. I no longer feel myself, who I was, who I was told I was, who I was "shown" I was. That's all gone, nonexistent and I guess I tend to wonder- like most of the population- if I was gone would there be a dent in this world? I have very few that would care, though of course I love those people for it. 

The little compassion and empathy I gain from them, the little support, gets me past day by day I guess which is nice. But right now I don't think I have the ability to really emote, to be something or rather someone. Drawing is empty, writing is, painting is, photography is intrinsically empty to me. School is just business that I have to do and no longer truly want to do. Work is work. Home is where I sleep but it's not home, I don't think I have a home anymore. 

Health wise...

Heart palpitations and lack of hunger, more like none but I do get forced to eat... can't get tested until the end of this month which may not seem far away but at this point it's farther away than I can handle. Walking across a straight hallway I'll have to stop and hold myself as my heart tries to figure out how to beat. 

Oh by the way this is happening. This is a problem. Some days it's worse than others, sometimes it doesn't even bug me. My continuous coughing has barely subsided. 

My fingers itch to do what they use to do, my mind as well, I can't even concentrate for more than 5 seconds let alone meditate in myself.

Perhaps this is due to my connection loss, to the "Family" that abandoned me to turmoil and never truly cared because if they did I would have someone to talk to about these specific issues. Now nothing. 

I don't mean to pour myself onto media but sometimes you need to to feel better.

I'm still waiting. 

Least to say the past few days have been an extreme emotional rollercoaster but I'm not gonna say everything that happened coz well that's my business ^^ 

My grades have improved drastically in the past months, maybe I will get on the Dean's list after all by the time I'm done with my current college! My social anxiety has also been improving, hate pills coz they keep you in place so the good thing about alternative methods is that you eventually don't need it because you don't get afraid anymore, I can stand up in front of others and speak freely but I still do shake. I can go to random people's houses or new friend's places and just have a small amount of anxiety (I mostly force myself to go). I'm also starting to... err... talk you know, that's annoying haha~ I think that's the hardest part, let me talk to a stranger as oppose to talking to a friend about my emotions or issues any day- that's where the heart palpitations happen but shit's goin' so I'm all good with that.
I haven't been able to stop smiling since Sunday morning (I've only told a select few that I really trust about all this stuff that's been happening and I'm not one for spilling my story on the internet ^^)... even though the words said to me scared me to death, literally my body stopped working, despite all that... I'm so happy. This is also despite what happened to someone I'll never get to hear again or see again. But people die, their particles break apart and continuously bounce across other particles all around the world so they never really die and they always continue to touch people. I'm also grateful for having people around that don't ask me questions and let me tell them when I'm ready which frankly takes away my anxiety in those situations.
It's hard to believe how people can change your outlook on life sometimes... even harder to believe when it's a single human being.

On the plus plus side I'm doing a wedding this summer so I gotz me some moolah, you know other than my actual stable job, my buisness is making money! So I got magnets to hand out and stuff which are fun! I also think I'll start putting my poetry on deviantart coz why not right? Allsssooo the writer's collective I created will be starting it's own literary magazine! 

Also super exciting news, next fall I'm gonna hit up the rails and backpack across Canada in a not so legal way but you see more that way! As long as I get to see the brilliance of the world when I can, when I'm free, I'll just continue the happy. Ah it'll be good to move out of British Columbia when the time comes, then move out of Canada, yeah so ready for a more open minded, socialist, non english speaking country.

Why am I writing this? Not sure, I normally don't vent to others since they have their own issues I don't have to add more on them. I'm glad I came into poetry, started my own group, sending out to literary magazines, got my own buisness... yeah things are ok- makin' new friends who understand me on a really personal level so that's cool...

I mostly don't gotta emote anymore coz I got poetry and if people need to know how I'm feeling well fuck just read my poems. I love not having to emote with people -sigh- feels good.

Least to say though
I am just... distraught, but of course why would anyone tell me. I'm this shut in bug so when someone I know dies why the fuck would I matter to tell. Coz fuck me right? 

Thats all.

Well more like few days.

I guess it really started with learning that one of my classes has a paper with 40% of my entire grade... which is great, no stress on that part- since now it's the only thing I can think about between my 3 classes...

Yesterday I took Mateo for a walk down a path I haven't gone before, lots of logs and stuff.... stupid me I know he can't jump worth shit and I took him over a log, low and behold he slipped, bruised/sprained his leg... he's better now but still ugh.

Man that movie...

Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit gives me mad, crazy, insane inspiration to write my books.
WHICH
by the by
I have officially started the 1st draft.

All I will let you in on is that it goes between 2 perspectives in the 1st person.
All I want is for people to enjoy it,
get lost in a world of imagination.
Get lost in a better world.
For their minds to paint pictures,
their cells equal to that of every bristle in a brush.

That's all I want out of these books I am writing.

PLUS
I've gotten the 1st half of my newest tattoo complete <33
I'll have to do some self portraits showing it off when it's done :3


and a lot of people have been asking about me for photography... so I'm going to start making cards 
I'm also working hard on my traditional works.... and I'll be selling plushies on etsy after Christmas holidays.... hmm hmmm hmmmmm... so much to do.

plus only 2 more semesters to go! or 3. Then dog grooming school. It'll be nice to work with my hands for a year without the papers and written tests until New Foundland.... 

Can't say I'm looking forward to being away from my friends but I mean... it will be worth it. Learning is always with it, I may be in debt with loans but you know what? I'm not ignorant because of those loans. And that's worth more to me than paper and numbers