Is it normal in the process of mourning to no longer know how to feel? Or rather simply be void of all emotion? At first I was sad, wondering how he died, why, if it was my fault. I still wonder such ordeals over and over in my head different scenarios but these thoughts don't come in colour they come in the black and white of a vivid-less world.
Besides school, besides work, besides my occasional poetry meetings and my friend what am I.
I seemed to be blocked out from a lot of the world, a lot of what was happening, betrayed and left behind to rot like a piece of carrion. People who were perhaps once family now no longer. I no longer feel myself, who I was, who I was told I was, who I was "shown" I was. That's all gone, nonexistent and I guess I tend to wonder- like most of the population- if I was gone would there be a dent in this world? I have very few that would care, though of course I love those people for it.
The little compassion and empathy I gain from them, the little support, gets me past day by day I guess which is nice. But right now I don't think I have the ability to really emote, to be something or rather someone. Drawing is empty, writing is, painting is, photography is intrinsically empty to me. School is just business that I have to do and no longer truly want to do. Work is work. Home is where I sleep but it's not home, I don't think I have a home anymore.
Heart palpitations and lack of hunger, more like none but I do get forced to eat... can't get tested until the end of this month which may not seem far away but at this point it's farther away than I can handle. Walking across a straight hallway I'll have to stop and hold myself as my heart tries to figure out how to beat.
Oh by the way this is happening. This is a problem. Some days it's worse than others, sometimes it doesn't even bug me. My continuous coughing has barely subsided.
My fingers itch to do what they use to do, my mind as well, I can't even concentrate for more than 5 seconds let alone meditate in myself.
Perhaps this is due to my connection loss, to the "Family" that abandoned me to turmoil and never truly cared because if they did I would have someone to talk to about these specific issues. Now nothing.
I don't mean to pour myself onto media but sometimes you need to to feel better.
I'm still waiting.